“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”-- Author Unknown
The above will be my new years goal. Hold it together, Cheryl
I think that I'm a simple kind of girl, who wants a simple but a filling kind of life. I used to feel blessed and loved and thankful for almost everything, the glass was always half full kinda outlook for me. A lesson I had to learn but did. I enjoy helping others and volunteering. I liked to smile, hug, kiss and share; I loved being a wife, mother and friend.
This last year has rocked the very ground I call "Cheryl". It's blackened my heart, aged me, stolen tears and life from me and life around me. My simple kind of girl and life has turned into the worst kind of reality show. A train wreak that you don’t want to look at but can’t take your eyes off of. One that can't even be aired because of the shear events that have happened. I can't even tell people most of it. I can't bear to let the words escape my lips. I feel I am lost in a nightmare and will never wake up, at times wishing that I never wake up and the nightmare would just end. I have been lied to, disrespected, thrown to the curb, puked on, sadden, used, ultimately if I had to use one phase I would say I have been broken. The other day I looked in the mirror at my naked self trying to see who I am now, what was left of me? I saw a sad, weak, bruised, lost, ugly person. In my most vulnerable and honest state I saw nothing of "Cheryl" looking back at me in the mirror. No gleam, no love, no warmth, my eyes empty. Everyone says and I do know this "that I am in control of my life" I really feel that this reflection looking back at me is my own fault. Even though it has been pointed out many times that it is not. I have no idea who or what I am anymore or how I am seen by anyone else for that matter. I used to think I was strong and know now I'm not. I fear everything and used to be a risk taker. I used to believe in love and now I'm not sure even what love is. It breaks my heart because I have an amazing, smart, beautiful daughter and I'm not sure I know how to teach her what love is anymore, the very thing I used to believe is "all you would ever need in life". I feel like as the days and nights go by and I am becoming a terrible mom and less of a person as they pass, I’m falling into a black hole, getting smaller and smaller. Everyone says/tells me you need to take care of yourself first in order to take care of your child or anyone else. But if I were to do what I need to take care of myself. It would be the worst thing for my family which I can not bear to do. Plus Addison has done nothing to deserve any of this. I am stuck between hell and a rock. I have some wonderful friends and family that I am very thankful for, they are there for me and they all ask what they can do. But ultimately the one thing I need none of my friends, family or myself can do. I feel powerless of my life right now and I hate it. It's my life how do I not know what to do???? Why do I feel I can’t control it??????
I started out on my journey with a soul mate. We had dreams, I had dreams that I/we have always wanted to do together. Instead, I’m left with myself (to keep it clear Dave and I are not divorced), a mess, no love, no money and a gift that I'm am stumbling with trying to protect and nurture so she will one day be a strong, beautiful, generous woman. I feel cheated. I don't understand how things can go from one extreme to another. Wait, strike that; I do know the reason but I don't get how the reason could even be seen as a choice to become a cause. Why one very wrong choice can be the appealing choice in life that someone would choose.
I hardly ever pray, if I do it is for a real valid reason. I believe that if I do good on others, good will be returned. I'm not perfect, I'm human, and I make mistakes. I know that and do ask for forgiveness. But for a while now I have been praying every night, not for me, not for huge things. Usually just one simple request. Why am I not being heard? Why do I feel like I'm being punished? I have been so very patient. And I do know that so many more have it worse that my family does. I'm thankful for at least what I still have. As your reading this some of your might be thinking of a few words of advice or reasoning’s don't give me the line, "he gives you what you need not want you want." No one needs what Addison and I have been given. The other line I am so very fucking tired of is "he wouldn't give you this if you couldn't handle it." Does that just mean he is having fun seeing what I can take? I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I truly mean it. I actually felt like my body was failing me last night. Nothing in my body felt like it was in my control. From my head to my toes; even my mind. Everything felt off and weak, three heart beats from shutting down. I laid there in bed thinking if I could just cry, I know it would help me feel a little better, a brief cleanse of my soul. But I laid there feeling as if I was going to burst in to tears and cry but nothing would come. A new form of Chinese water torture. Then the thoughts "Maybe I have used up all the tears one person is given per a life time." Is what I’m feeling my sprit dying? What are you going to do Cheryl? I’m speaking in the third person now since Cheryl no longer feels like me, or maybe I’m just nuts. Cheryl stop, breath......get your inhaler ok try breathing again…Are you still there Cheryl? What are the good things???????????????????
As I look back at the year of hell 2011 has been for so many, I do have to mention that this year has been amazing when it comes to watching Addison grow. She now speaks in 2-4 word sentences, can count to 10 in order most of the time, if she is willing too. She runs, plays with others, loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and can name all the characters on the show. She has a very independent attitude. The terrible twos are here. She loves yogurt and cheese. Yes she is starting to handle some dairy products. She enjoys pretending to cook and clean and take care of her babies. Most recently since Christmas we have never ending tea parties. Her friend she talks about all the time is Wava (AVA). Addison has been sitting on the potty no luck yet but I feel we are getting closer. She loves singing and dancing and reading!
In this year I have gone sky diving
I raised over $1000.00 for March of Dimes and am consider one of the top fund raisers for Northern Nevada. I'm proud of that because of how much I believe in March of Dimes, i was even a guest speaker for them.
I have gotten to know my brother and aunt on my dad’s side a bit more and my sister in law.
I have seen, watch and felt what it was like to watch a love one be told he has cancer, fight it and then pass away. And to find a way to be thankful for the time I did have with him and not to regret the time I won't have. Don't get me wrong I'm sad and it's painful to this day but at least I have finally learned how to greave somewhat better then before.
I have won more then my fair share of contests. Prizes from season tickets, $100 gift cards, museum memberships, to movie tickets.
I have found friends. One that actually writes BFF back on cards. Giving and receiving on both ends kind of friendships. That I am very thankful for.
I have had nose surgery so that my health can improve. I'm now not nearly as sick as much I used to be. I know have an allergist and pulmonary doctor.
I have lost the weight gained from my pregnancy with Addison and almost all the weight gained from my pregnancy with Peanut. Thank you weight watchers. A bit to go till goal but I can do it.
To end, as now I'm am am very tired, a quote by Winnie the Pooh and Rabbit
“I don’t see much sense in that, “ said Rabbit.“No,“ said Pooh humbly, “there isn’t. But there was going to be when I began it. It’s just that something happened to it along the way.”
