Tuesday, February 23, 2010
She Smiles
Addison is smiling. I can't tell you what a wonderful feeling it is to pick her up in the morning say hello and she looks up at you with these big beautiful eyes and smiles. I was so excited the first time she did this. Now she smiles when you hold up her bottle and you ask to you want this. She smiles when you tickle her cheeks. One of the greatest joys ever!
Addison got the chance to met her Aunt Amy this week. I think they both had a lot of fun meeting each other.
This week I also felt like a mom. When I was little my grandpa and grandma's kiss or hug could fix any problem in the world. Two nights ago I felt like my hug and kiss could fix Addison's woes. I was in the tub when I heard Addison start to cry. Dave and his sister where doing all the right things to calm her down but she just wasn't having it. Several minutes later she was still crying. I get out of the tub and go sit in the living room. Dave and Amy doing all the same things I would do with no luck. Addison cries turn to screaming. I sit holding myself back as I didn't want Dave to feel like I was stepping in thinking he couldn't do it. I give another suggestion to try and still no luck. A few minutes more I ask Dave if I could hold her and see if I could help. I get Addison in my arms and once she realizes she is in someone elses arms and opens her eyes and see's me she begins to clam herself down. I rock her a little and she stops. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world! Ahhh, yes this is one of the reasons being a mom is so awesome.
Don't Judge Me
The debate has been going on forever I'm told. But now days its Breast Feeding is better than formula.
When I was growing up to be a women I was blessed with huge breasts. They got me out of tickets, caught boy’s attention and honestly helped me to be a confident woman. As I was preparing to become a mom, I started to think about my choices of feeding my beautiful daughter to be. The choice was easy. I AM GOING TO BREAST FEED. Dave and I talked much about it, he didn't think I should do it anywhere but the house. I laughed saying we will just see about that. I told him all the benefits to breast feeding. Smarter child, healthier, less allergies, helps me recover from labor, helps in preventing several different forms of cancer for me, helps in building antibodies for our little girl even studies show that breast feed babies are less likely to be overweight, its much cheaper then formula. Then the one that always suck out in my head was the special bonding between Mother and Child. The pros outweigh the cons by a landside in my mind. Their right Breast is best! And seeing how I had these great breasts I would have no problem breastfeeding.... Right?
In fact I thought there wouldn't be any real problem at all. I knew that it could be hard getting them to latch on and milk could be low but you could overcome all of these problems. A mother’s body was made to nourish her young, why wouldn't a mother's young be made to accept a mother’s nourishment. This is my heart breaking problem. After many attempts and all the will in my heart to get Addison to breastfeed Dr. Tammy informed me that Addison had a milk and soy protein allergy. Can I breast feed her, I asked? No, I could not breast feed Addison without making her sick. I could not do one of the most natural things a mom should be able to do for her child. My heart sank. As I sat there in the room Dr. Tammy, Addison and I...I remember her saying are you ok with that? I say "yes, I don't like it but I have to do what’s best for Addison." In my heading I'm yelling no. My heart sinks into my toes. I'm glad we now know what was going on and that it's such a simple fix for Addison to be healthy. But one huge part of motherhood that I was looking forward to has just vanished.
I smile thank Dr. Tammy and I walk to my car. I sit behind my seat and call Dave crying; he does his best to comfort me and is a little sad as well. We wanted to give our child the best start we could. That's our job as parents.
Now some you may say so what millions of people formula feed and their kids are healthy and smart. True I would agree, does it change the fact that I feel a huge loss no. The next day after my appointment I went to my mommy support group. (Where all the mothers breast feed) hoping for support. Silly me. When I announce what had come to be that week and the super pricey formula my little girl needs (about 30 bucks a can), the leader says loudly across the room, oh your feeding her that chemical made stuff. I could have died right there. Holding back tears as I feel all the other moms waiting for me to reply I just say yes looking down.
That night while holding Addison she turns towards my breast, mouth opened wide trying to latch on to me. I look at her and say sorry. Tell me why now you want to latch on. Stupid Murphy’s Law. I feel the tears start to form. I set her down and head to the kitchen to make her chemical filled bottle of formula, feeling guilty like I'm killing my child.
Then a few days later while out running some errands, a person stopped me and made the comment "wow you have such a calm beautiful baby. You must breast feed." I reply no and she goes "well it’s hard and I guess not everyone is cut out to do it." I smile and push my cart as far away as I could from this cruel lady. Like when your pregnant people continue to say stupid shit after you have the baby. How could she judge me? I want to breast feed more than anything, I didn't give up. I'm hard enough on me about it already. That night I couldn't even bear the thought of feeding Addison. I really felt like I was grieving a loss. Dave took over most of the feedings telling me he's sorry and Addison will be fine. I did one feeding with tears flowing. Addison drank from her bottle happily not making eye contact with me at all. The special bonding was lost in my eyes.
As more time has gone by and with one more attempt to breastfeed which was not a success at all. I work with the cards I have been dealt. Yes I still hurt as I am missing out in a part of motherhood I had been looking forward to. I wonder if most of my disappointment is due to how I feel everyone is making me feel ashamed for doing what is best for my baby. I go to my mommy support group surrounded by mom's breastfeeding their children and smile pretending to myself it doesn't hurt my feeling. Daily I tell myself Addison is not sick and losing weight anymore. I'm doing what’s right. Isn't that the whole part of being a parent, doing what is right for your child even if it's not what you really want? I know this is not the last I will feel the hash judgment from other people who believe that breast is best. I just wish that people will think to themselves before they make a really stupid comment and ask is this child healthy and happy and then not judge someone for the choice of food they make for their child! After all if the child is healthy and happy that's all that matters in the long run.
When I was growing up to be a women I was blessed with huge breasts. They got me out of tickets, caught boy’s attention and honestly helped me to be a confident woman. As I was preparing to become a mom, I started to think about my choices of feeding my beautiful daughter to be. The choice was easy. I AM GOING TO BREAST FEED. Dave and I talked much about it, he didn't think I should do it anywhere but the house. I laughed saying we will just see about that. I told him all the benefits to breast feeding. Smarter child, healthier, less allergies, helps me recover from labor, helps in preventing several different forms of cancer for me, helps in building antibodies for our little girl even studies show that breast feed babies are less likely to be overweight, its much cheaper then formula. Then the one that always suck out in my head was the special bonding between Mother and Child. The pros outweigh the cons by a landside in my mind. Their right Breast is best! And seeing how I had these great breasts I would have no problem breastfeeding.... Right?
In fact I thought there wouldn't be any real problem at all. I knew that it could be hard getting them to latch on and milk could be low but you could overcome all of these problems. A mother’s body was made to nourish her young, why wouldn't a mother's young be made to accept a mother’s nourishment. This is my heart breaking problem. After many attempts and all the will in my heart to get Addison to breastfeed Dr. Tammy informed me that Addison had a milk and soy protein allergy. Can I breast feed her, I asked? No, I could not breast feed Addison without making her sick. I could not do one of the most natural things a mom should be able to do for her child. My heart sank. As I sat there in the room Dr. Tammy, Addison and I...I remember her saying are you ok with that? I say "yes, I don't like it but I have to do what’s best for Addison." In my heading I'm yelling no. My heart sinks into my toes. I'm glad we now know what was going on and that it's such a simple fix for Addison to be healthy. But one huge part of motherhood that I was looking forward to has just vanished.
I smile thank Dr. Tammy and I walk to my car. I sit behind my seat and call Dave crying; he does his best to comfort me and is a little sad as well. We wanted to give our child the best start we could. That's our job as parents.
Now some you may say so what millions of people formula feed and their kids are healthy and smart. True I would agree, does it change the fact that I feel a huge loss no. The next day after my appointment I went to my mommy support group. (Where all the mothers breast feed) hoping for support. Silly me. When I announce what had come to be that week and the super pricey formula my little girl needs (about 30 bucks a can), the leader says loudly across the room, oh your feeding her that chemical made stuff. I could have died right there. Holding back tears as I feel all the other moms waiting for me to reply I just say yes looking down.
That night while holding Addison she turns towards my breast, mouth opened wide trying to latch on to me. I look at her and say sorry. Tell me why now you want to latch on. Stupid Murphy’s Law. I feel the tears start to form. I set her down and head to the kitchen to make her chemical filled bottle of formula, feeling guilty like I'm killing my child.
Then a few days later while out running some errands, a person stopped me and made the comment "wow you have such a calm beautiful baby. You must breast feed." I reply no and she goes "well it’s hard and I guess not everyone is cut out to do it." I smile and push my cart as far away as I could from this cruel lady. Like when your pregnant people continue to say stupid shit after you have the baby. How could she judge me? I want to breast feed more than anything, I didn't give up. I'm hard enough on me about it already. That night I couldn't even bear the thought of feeding Addison. I really felt like I was grieving a loss. Dave took over most of the feedings telling me he's sorry and Addison will be fine. I did one feeding with tears flowing. Addison drank from her bottle happily not making eye contact with me at all. The special bonding was lost in my eyes.
As more time has gone by and with one more attempt to breastfeed which was not a success at all. I work with the cards I have been dealt. Yes I still hurt as I am missing out in a part of motherhood I had been looking forward to. I wonder if most of my disappointment is due to how I feel everyone is making me feel ashamed for doing what is best for my baby. I go to my mommy support group surrounded by mom's breastfeeding their children and smile pretending to myself it doesn't hurt my feeling. Daily I tell myself Addison is not sick and losing weight anymore. I'm doing what’s right. Isn't that the whole part of being a parent, doing what is right for your child even if it's not what you really want? I know this is not the last I will feel the hash judgment from other people who believe that breast is best. I just wish that people will think to themselves before they make a really stupid comment and ask is this child healthy and happy and then not judge someone for the choice of food they make for their child! After all if the child is healthy and happy that's all that matters in the long run.
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