Picture Perfect

Well Addison is now going on 7 months now.  As I sit here staring at the screen deciededing were to start blogging I realize how much I am not like the mom I wanted to be.  How I had this perfect picture in my head of me being like the mom you only read about in fairy tales.   I was going to be the mom who would blog once a month about all the amazing things my daughter is learning, that I would write down every date she did a first like rolling over.  How I would read to her every night and Dave and I would tuck her to bed. And I would be part of this perfect family. I did expect that it would not be easy and that there would be some crazy days but instead I have been on one of the most insane roller coster rides filled with loops of hormone issues, spins of martial chaos, drops of self image and yet at the same time ups with  100% amazement on how  much I learn everyday from my Addison; a child who can not even speak.  I can sit and stare all day at how she can learn the smallest thing and how thrilled I am by them. 

I have always been kind of a "Debbie Downer of sorts" and can not believe that I could have a child with such a happy personality.  Addison is so calm, happy and easy going for the most part. There is potentional that teething could might make this statement fasle in a few weeks.  Her first tooth broke though on June 28th. 

Another thing I am amazed with is how a mother and a father can see things so differently.  I hang out with a group of friends all new moms and we all seem to have the same issues with our husbands.  We are expected to be "wonder mom" all without bitching, tiring, and without help, yet if the man is holding the child and the child screams they feel they have the right as a man to whine, say how hard its been taking care of the child and hand the child off to mom. They also feel that they can party like they did before the child.  Who set this double standard up. I would like to know so I can spank his butt hard with a wooden spoon.  Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I could just jump off a bridge and be ok with it.  The sad part is Dave helps me a lot and I still feel like this. 

After a hard martiunty leave and returning to work, I sank in to a thick lake of mudd called post patrum depression.  It was so bad I would drive around town crying trying to avoid my home.  I couldn't sleep and could never relax. What killed me the most is that I could not figure out why I could be so sad.  I love my daughter more then anything in the world.  As I was sinking in my lake of depression Dave got laid off.  now my perfect fairy tale family consisted of a depressed and insomiac wife, a depressed argny husband and a baby with reflux.  At the pushing of my grandma I went and talked to my OB.  He then recommended that I see a shrink.  So off I went.  Dr. Mayville gave me this test and I was found to have sever depression.  Yes this is the sencond time in two or so years that I have "had sever depression".  He started to pry about my layoff the first time, the second time, my miscarriage,  abondment of a good friend and a whole bunch of stuff I thought I had worked though.  Apparently not.  So now every other week I go and try to work out one of the many issues thats causes my depression. Dave also comes so that Dr. Mayville can help me express to Dave things about me and Dr. Mayville also trying to help Dave understand and also explain how it feels to be in Dave's shoes.  At times I feel like I am making progess and other times I feel like I'm going backwards at warp speeds.

Enough about me lets move on to Addison.  She looks like she is about to crawl.  She is abled to sit up.  She just decied one day that she was going to sit up and from that day on she has done it like she has been doing it since the day she was born. She is a very smart girl.  She loves to swim.  Bath time scares the heck out of me cause she will just dive forward and slip to her belly and start kicking but it is also one of my main ways of bonding with Addison after I have been at work all day.  Addison also loves her dogs.  If Roxy walks by her she smile and laughs and does whatever she can to get as much attention as possible as she can from the dogs.  I feel like she has a bit of mine and Dave's bullheadedness.  She wants to do things herself.  If she can't she let's  you know how she feels about it.  She babbles all the time.  She also has so many facial expressions that a person can not keep track.

I guess the things I have learned over the last 6 months is a perfect mom is one who might be tired but still kisses her her child goodnight. When you look and your daughter and want to stive to be smarter so you can teach her more.  I have learned that you don't lose points for not knowing the excate time and date your child smiled, sat or tooth came though.  A ballpark is usally enough. And most importantly if you can't cut yourself a little slack you will end up going nuts!

She Smiles

Addison is smiling.  I can't tell you what a wonderful feeling it is to pick her up in the morning say hello and she looks up at you with these big beautiful eyes and smiles.  I was so excited the first time she did this.   Now she smiles when you hold up her bottle and you ask to you want this.  She smiles when you tickle her cheeks.  One of the greatest joys ever!

Addison got the chance to met her Aunt Amy this week.  I think they both had a lot of fun meeting each other. 

This week I also felt like a mom.  When I was little my grandpa and grandma's kiss or hug could fix any problem in the world.  Two nights ago I felt like my hug and kiss could fix Addison's woes. I was in the tub when I heard Addison start to cry.  Dave and his sister where doing all the right things to calm her down but she just wasn't having it.  Several minutes later she was still crying.  I get out of the tub and go sit in the living room.  Dave and Amy doing all the same things I would do with no luck.  Addison cries turn to screaming.  I sit holding myself back as I didn't want Dave to feel like I was stepping in thinking he couldn't do it.  I give another suggestion to try and still no luck.  A few minutes more I ask Dave if I could hold her and see if I could help.  I get Addison in my arms and once she realizes she is in someone elses arms and opens her eyes and see's me she begins to clam herself down.  I rock her a little and she stops.  It was the most beautiful feeling in the world!  Ahhh, yes this is one of the reasons being a mom is so awesome.

Don't Judge Me

The debate has been going on forever I'm told. But now days its Breast Feeding is better than formula.




When I was growing up to be a women I was blessed with huge breasts. They got me out of tickets, caught boy’s attention and honestly helped me to be a confident woman. As I was preparing to become a mom, I started to think about my choices of feeding my beautiful daughter to be. The choice was easy. I AM GOING TO BREAST FEED. Dave and I talked much about it, he didn't think I should do it anywhere but the house. I laughed saying we will just see about that. I told him all the benefits to breast feeding. Smarter child, healthier, less allergies, helps me recover from labor, helps in preventing several different forms of cancer for me, helps in building antibodies for our little girl even studies show that breast feed babies are less likely to be overweight, its much cheaper then formula. Then the one that always suck out in my head was the special bonding between Mother and Child. The pros outweigh the cons by a landside in my mind. Their right Breast is best! And seeing how I had these great breasts I would have no problem breastfeeding.... Right?



In fact I thought there wouldn't be any real problem at all. I knew that it could be hard getting them to latch on and milk could be low but you could overcome all of these problems. A mother’s body was made to nourish her young, why wouldn't a mother's young be made to accept a mother’s nourishment. This is my heart breaking problem. After many attempts and all the will in my heart to get Addison to breastfeed Dr. Tammy informed me that Addison had a milk and soy protein allergy. Can I breast feed her, I asked? No, I could not breast feed Addison without making her sick. I could not do one of the most natural things a mom should be able to do for her child. My heart sank. As I sat there in the room Dr. Tammy, Addison and I...I remember her saying are you ok with that? I say "yes, I don't like it but I have to do what’s best for Addison." In my heading I'm yelling no. My heart sinks into my toes. I'm glad we now know what was going on and that it's such a simple fix for Addison to be healthy. But one huge part of motherhood that I was looking forward to has just vanished.



I smile thank Dr. Tammy and I walk to my car. I sit behind my seat and call Dave crying; he does his best to comfort me and is a little sad as well. We wanted to give our child the best start we could. That's our job as parents.

Now some you may say so what millions of people formula feed and their kids are healthy and smart. True I would agree, does it change the fact that I feel a huge loss no. The next day after my appointment I went to my mommy support group. (Where all the mothers breast feed) hoping for support. Silly me. When I announce what had come to be that week and the super pricey formula my little girl needs (about 30 bucks a can), the leader says loudly across the room, oh your feeding her that chemical made stuff. I could have died right there. Holding back tears as I feel all the other moms waiting for me to reply I just say yes looking down.



That night while holding Addison she turns towards my breast, mouth opened wide trying to latch on to me. I look at her and say sorry. Tell me why now you want to latch on. Stupid Murphy’s Law. I feel the tears start to form. I set her down and head to the kitchen to make her chemical filled bottle of formula, feeling guilty like I'm killing my child.



Then a few days later while out running some errands, a person stopped me and made the comment "wow you have such a calm beautiful baby. You must breast feed." I reply no and she goes "well it’s hard and I guess not everyone is cut out to do it." I smile and push my cart as far away as I could from this cruel lady. Like when your pregnant people continue to say stupid shit after you have the baby. How could she judge me? I want to breast feed more than anything, I didn't give up. I'm hard enough on me about it already. That night I couldn't even bear the thought of feeding Addison. I really felt like I was grieving a loss. Dave took over most of the feedings telling me he's sorry and Addison will be fine. I did one feeding with tears flowing. Addison drank from her bottle happily not making eye contact with me at all. The special bonding was lost in my eyes.



As more time has gone by and with one more attempt to breastfeed which was not a success at all. I work with the cards I have been dealt. Yes I still hurt as I am missing out in a part of motherhood I had been looking forward to. I wonder if most of my disappointment is due to how I feel everyone is making me feel ashamed for doing what is best for my baby. I go to my mommy support group surrounded by mom's breastfeeding their children and smile pretending to myself it doesn't hurt my feeling. Daily I tell myself Addison is not sick and losing weight anymore. I'm doing what’s right. Isn't that the whole part of being a parent, doing what is right for your child even if it's not what you really want? I know this is not the last I will feel the hash judgment from other people who believe that breast is best. I just wish that people will think to themselves before they make a really stupid comment and ask is this child healthy and happy and then not judge someone for the choice of food they make for their child! After all if the child is healthy and happy that's all that matters in the long run.

Addison's first photo session

Addison and the family had our photos taken today.  It was so much fun.  We went to JLM which is just right around the conner from our home.  The photographer is awesome.  She is so creative and fun.  We spent a ton of time there and felt very well taken care of.  Much better then Sears.  Her is a sneek peek of a few photos and what the photographer said about Addison on her blog. Check out her website and better yet use her.  Make sure to tell her I referred her to you. http://www.jlmcreative.com/

Sneak Peek: Baby A

January 30, 2010

Today’s newborn session was such a rousing success! I usually like to get newborns in before they are 2 weeks old, to make sure they are nice and sleepy and squishy, but this little one is actually 3 1/2 weeks and she was a perfect model! I just have this one sneak peek for now, as I am literally still importing all the files, just could not wait to share this sweet shot! I know her mommy and daddy willbe thrilled with all of her photos!

The first 20 days at home as a mommy

What crazy ride motherhood is? It is like a roller coaster. Between the diaper changing, the feeding, pumping, doctor appointments, recovering myself and many visits I have managed to stay somewhat sane.

Addison had her first doctor appointment on January 15th. She had gained her weight back and weigh 7pounds 10 oz which put her in the 25th percentile. She had grown 3/4 of an inch which put her in the 75th percentile for height and her head measurement was 35-3. She is already very strong and holds her hold her head up for a good length of time. She has been doing this since the first day we brought her home. Dr. Tammy said she was looking great.

Then the next week she is not eating crying and sounds like she is choking every time she eats plus yucky diarrhea. Back to the doctor we go. She lost a lot of weight, looks like she might be lactose, so mom has to change her diet because I am breast feeding and we put her on a certain formula to settle her stomach and rid my system of all dairy. After a day and a half I have trouble getting Addison to latch on to my boob. It's a fight every feeding. And pumping is a mess as my milk has not really come in to start with due to her being in the NICU and the on again and off again feeding issues. She did get better and gained her weight back but then the diarrhea returns and she in not happy unless she is sitting straight up. Back to Dr. Tammy we go. Turns out she has reflux and maybe an issue with digesting my breast milk. If I could draw the picture out like Dr. Tammy did for me I would but as for trying to explain it I'm not going to. We leave again with an Rx and after 4 pharmacy visits and calling all over we finally find it at the pretty penny of 68 bucks. No one has the generic and it takes 2 days to get it. We couldn't wait.

Diaper changing as been so much fun, when you have a sick little girl, ha. She just poops and poops and shots some more. Dave and I both have ended up covered in her mess. She plots and plans her attacks we just know it. I never had a strong stomach before her birth and thought that I would have issues doing the diaper thing but really Dave and I haven't had any trouble with getting sick. Now yelling for help because we don't have a clean hand to get yet another diaper out of the drawer is another thing. When she is sick we can go through 3 diapers in one changing. She can also pee like the best little boy. I'm thinking about getting one of those little wee wee tent things.

Dave and I have been doing well at working out a system so we both get rest and seem to be getting the hang of it. I watch her from the time he goes to bed till he gets off from work then he takes over. I was getting a bit blue and stress due to lack of sleep and he would have to remind me I can't do it all I have to take care of me. We also have learned that if we are getting really stressed we just hand the baby off to each other. One day it was like hot potato with Addison.

Dave is amazing with her. It is so much fun to watch the two of them. It also so amazing to sit back and see how we are evolving as a family and how Addison grows and learns. Being a parent is the most awesome adventure ever.

Dave and I have also had some deep talks about are hopes and wishes, how to better ourselves for Addison. If we hadn't lost the last baby would she be like Addison or would she/he have been different. Are we good parents? Do I have the baby blues (I had a few days where all I did was cry)? How much we love each other! I was in tears the other night because I just wanted to go to bed with Dave. He reassured me that in a few months we could get back to going to bed together and I said I know but I just want you to hold me. Well later that night when I had got Addison to sleep and crawled into bed Dave woke up a bit. He rolled over towards me and just held me. It meant so much because I knew it was late and he had to get up early. The other night he reached for my hand and just held it. I love that we can still do small things for us too. He even left work early one day when I couldn't get Addison’s reflux under control and was so tired I couldn't focus and was going a bit crazy.



I know we can do this parent thing mostly because we care so much about each other!

NICU

Addison was born with a very high temperature when she was born and mild Jaundice. Nothing you would think would be too terrible. The temp went away and every kid has jaundice when born for the most part. Dr. Pat had checked her and said that her Jaundice seem high so we were going to get her to drink more Pedi-lite to get her to have a few more bowel movements to pass the Jaundice. At least that’s how I understood it. Dave and I were still kind of out of it because of the long labor and the excitement. Well by the end of her first day of life Addison had two choking and stop breathing when eating and was very sleepy. The nurses had taken Addison several time for labs repeat labs and then all the normal test.

The next day Dr. Tammy came into tell us that her labs are not looking good and we need to put her in the NICU to get an infection under control. Addison BANS were in the 2400's when they should have been in the 1200's or less also that her Jaundice was getting a bit out of control. Her body was working so hard to fight an infection that the Jaundice was soaring. Dr. Tammy told us not to worry and it’s always better to be safe. About an hour later the birth certificate people were coming, nurses for me, my doctor checked on me. My nurse then says we are taking Addison to the NICU; I just need to check to make sure they are ready for us. While she was gone in came the photo people that take the baby’s first official picture. We get Addison line up for the photo and in comes the nurse saying we need to go now. We snap two quick photos and off the nurse was with Addison. Dave and I are running to catch up. She rushes us into the secret world of the NICU. I have worked her a year and never knew it was right under my nose. Before I know it our daughter is having a tube stuck down her nose. O2 put on, an IV inserted and all sorts or wires attached to a huge machine that beeps.

We are then rushed off to another room and taught how to sanitize before we enter the main part of the NICU. Wash your hands for 1 minute; don’t touch anything you use your feet to turn on the water get the soap. Then 3 pumps of this sanitizer one pump for each arm and one for the hands. Use this pick to clean under your nails. The next few days were kind of a blur. Dave and I would go to the NICU every feeding we can. I would try to nurse first then we would bottle feed. It was tough the first day in a half because I would be feeding her and she should stop breathing and alarms would start to go off. They were a couple feedings were I actually held a little tube connected to the hose in Addison’s nose and it would send the formula down in to her belly. Dave and I would be looking around and be thankful our daughter was doing well compared to most of the other babies there but other times it just broke our heart and scared us to death with everything going on. I remember it being 2:30AM and Dave and I both with tears in our eyes when Addison reached out and grabbed our fingers (at different times) and didn't want to let go. It took us about a 2 days to not notice the beeps and alarms and getting down how to hold Addison with all her little wires. Addison spent most of the time under the Phototherapy to control her Hperbilirubinemia. She was such a strong little baby.   Dave and I learned what it was like to worry like a parent.  We also have people drop by to see Addison and we would have to tell them she is in the NICU. It was hard for us cause we were so excited to show our little girl to the world but now one ever whats to go to the NICU to see her.  Disappointing for everyone involed.  I also felt like my nurses would forget about me because they didn't have to check on my baby I guess they could have kept missing me when we would go to the NICU but we would always let them know when I was leaving the room.

Then the day came where I had to be discharged from the hospital (without pain pills) and Addison had to stay. It was the worst feeling I have ever had. They wheel you out in a wheel chair and you’re carrying your flowers and it’s a girl balloon with no baby in your arms. People just stare at you. Then there is the drive home with the empty car seat in the back. I felt like I was the worst mom and dad felt horrible as well leaving without her. Dave drops me off at home and I cry as he leaves to get a pizza. Then he gets pulled over for a tail light being out. Bulb ended up being loose and I had 3 spares in the car. Dave tells him everything going on and the cop writes him a ticket. He gets home we end up fighting over the stupid ticket I think because we were tired, stressed and overwhelmed with everything. For the next few days Dave and I spent the day traveling back and forth for all Addison’s feedings. On Addison's last night in the NICU we stayed till 3:30 AM and went through all the training with the nurse so Addison could be discharged right after our CPR class.

Saturday afternoon Addison came home. The nurse walks us out to the car and Dave and I are so excited. Dave was driving like 10 miles an hour and we tried calling all our family to let them know we were finally going home as a family and no one answered. LOL. We were so glad to have her home.

The next day or so we would wash our hands like crazy worry about feeding her without a machine to tell us if she was breathing and fight to breast feed. We were feeling like normal new parents! At least Addison would sleep though the night. We are very blessed with that!

Addison came home on Januray 9th, 2010

Labor

Well January 4th has arrived. Dave and I are so nervous and excited. I had hoped to go into labor before today. I was looking forward to catching Dave off guard and telling him its time and being able to labor at home. So before we walk out of our house I say Dave and he looks at me and I say "IT'S TIME" he smiles and acts like he’s snoring. I laugh. On the car ride we talked nervously about the events to come and when to call the family and so on. The doctor’s office told me to eat light. So my breakfast was some cream of wheat and a banana. We arrived at the hospital at 5:45 AM; we ring the bell outside the L&D area, we are answered and asked why we are there. My nervous voice says my name and I have an appointment to be induced. We hear a buzz and the door opens in we walk and we are greeted by our nurse Amie and into room 5 I go. Amie explains everything to me and we are off and running. Contractions should be between 40 and 60 in power. The lab comes, IV inserted and PIT is flowing. Contractions start within in a half hour. Dave and I are told that I should dilate about 1 cm an hour. We do the math and Dave leaves gets some movies. He is back within 15 minutes and we start to play a game. In comes Dr. Klose. He tell me the usual that the baby should have come already with a laugh. He does an exam and shakes my head. He says Cheryl you have not changed at all in a week. You’re still at 2cm. Next thing I know I feel a crazy gush of water between my legs! I just broke your water Cheryl. I look at Dave wide eyed I’m sure and he stares at me. Dr. Klose says he'll check on me around noon. He leaves and I freak a little, Dave what just happened what time is it, this baby better come I don't want a c section if she's not here in 24 hours. DAVE what the heck does this fluid look like?

Noon comes I'm in pain. Mine and Dave's family are in the waiting area and a few coworkers stopped into check on me. I was glad to see them. It gave me something to focus on and Dave someone else to talk to. He has been great taking such great care of me. I am starving. Dr. Klose checks on me and I'm at 3cm. Not to impressed with my change. My PIT is adjusted a bit. My nurse is now Rebecca. She is follows the rules to the T and is taking good care of me and Dave. She still won't let me have food! I am hurting bad these contractions have been 3-5 minutes apart this whole time. I buzz my nurse I need something for the pain. So they start me on some narcotics. I try these for about 2 hours and say bring me the epidural. Sorry Cheryl the anastegilost just went in to a C-section. I'll have to wait an hour. OMG I can't. My contractions have been around 90 forever. Like I get a choice in the mater. HA

What seems like forever later I am getting my epidural. Now they tell you don't move while they are administering the epidural. My contraction decided to peek right as they are putting the needle in. They are at 110. Dave is very good but I can see the concern in his face as he stares at the machine that tells him where my contractions are at. Dr. Klose is going to be disappointed as the Epidural could slow down my progress. I don't care as its not moving now. Before I know it its 4:30. I'm at maybe a 4.

It's 2AM in the morning. I have been at a 9 for many hours now about 4 my cervix has a small edge that won't get out of the way. I am sweating so bad my temp is at 101. Nurse Amie is back on shift and tells me it looks like this is going to be a c-section according to Dr. Klose and her. I say can I at least try to push, I can hold out longer and wait to see if I can make a 10. She leaves and returns to say I have a great doctor and he will let me hold out a little bit longer. 1/2 hour later Amie gets another nurse to check me. It she says she feels the lip so Amie gets my doctor. He say you’re a 10 let her push. So I push with all my heart, O2 is given to me but I just lay as still and clam as I can between contractions and push with everything I have when I'm told. In 40 minutes they are Dr Klose is in there with bed head. Glad he got some sleep. He tells Dave that he is going to deliver our little girl and gives him a crash course on how to do it. Dr. Klose tells me to push and yells at how great of a pusher I am and in three more pushes I feel this great relief. Dr. Klose is saying look at those chubby cheeks. And everyone is yelling 3:29. Dave is rushing with our little girl to the table next to my bedside where our little girl's nurse is. Dave keeps telling the nurse Cheryl wants to hold her right away. Again why I love Dave. He then kisses me on the head and cuts the cord again to shorten it. Next thing I hear is babies temp is 101.4.

In all this craziness my baby is handed to me. OH MY GOD HI BABY, hi baby happy birthday. I love you and so many more overwhelming things run though my mind. Dave and I decide her name should be Addison Lynn. She is so perfect! She is wide awake and very alert. She has the biggest most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. 40 plus weeks later and after 21 hours of labor I now have this beautiful girl in my arms.

The family comes in and before I know it I am begging for food, A friend that works in nutrition services was wonderful and made me a beautiful try of food and Amie gets me the biggest glass of sprite, baby is off to get checked out, I got to check out my placenta. I'm so tired that the rests is kind of a blur but I did breast feed within an hour of her birth. I can't believe the miracle that I was just blessed with.

Addison Lynn Guinan was born at 3:29AM on January 5, 2010.  Weight 7LBS 5OZ.  Not 8 1/2 to 9 like we thought.  And 20 inches long!

Week 40

I've made it this far......in just a few days I will be a mom. It's kind of shocking to think that my little girl is not here yet. We all thought she would be her by now. In all I mean Doctor, Me and everyone at work.

With the nursery done and the house clean we are just doing last min random things. The weather has been iffy to say the least so Dave put his car seat base in his truck just in case that is our vehicle of choice for the hospital ride.

Work is hard to say the least and I am very impatient. My boss is very worried as it is slow and she thought I would have been on leave by now she had scheduled other people to be working my hours now.

If you were to see me in person now I am huge, have dropped very low and puffy puffy. It hurts like hell to walk and I am so uncomfortable. My skin has stretched so much that the stretch marks start at my belly button and connect on my back. Not pretty but worth it! The contractions have not stopped but slowed down a bit. I met with Dr. Klose on the 29th. 2cm Dilated. That’s freaking it. 1/2 cm more than last week. My doctor did not seem too happy. Baby's weight is guess to be 8 1/2 pounds now. Meaning next week baby will weigh more. We are looking a big baby coming. This scares me! So Dr Klose stripped my membranes. You ask me does this hurt. HELL YES! The nurse kept saying wow your doing great you’re a trooper. To which Dave asks does that hurt her? Dr. Klose says yes it hurts a bit but you’re doing great Cheryl. Dave instantly starts rubbing my head. That’s why I love him. Now that my membranes are stripped I could go in to labor tonight or very soon. YES that's what I want to hear. The pain is worth it....gets me ready for labor right? As an extra measure Dr. Klose schedule me to be induce if I don't go into labor by the 4th. He says well now that we have scheduled this you should go into labor anytime with a laugh. I cannot tell you how relived I am to have a date. My baby will be here by the 5th! So the next day I went to work and gave my boss the news. She was happy and I was relived.

On the 30th I was done. I need this baby out now. I hurt. Dave and I walked the marina. Nothing, I couldn't sleep cause of the pain so its 3AM and I did 100 jumping jacks and ran in place for about a half hour. Then New Years Eve came. The day before my due date and my last day of work no matter what. My contractions start to get kind of regular thank god I'll be in labor by the end of the night. I just might have a new year’s baby. So Dave and I park my car at Saints and walk downtown to watch the fireworks and ring in the New Year. It was great but we ended the day with now baby.