Well Addison is now going on 7 months now. As I sit here staring at the screen deciededing were to start blogging I realize how much I am not like the mom I wanted to be. How I had this perfect picture in my head of me being like the mom you only read about in fairy tales. I was going to be the mom who would blog once a month about all the amazing things my daughter is learning, that I would write down every date she did a first like rolling over. How I would read to her every night and Dave and I would tuck her to bed. And I would be part of this perfect family. I did expect that it would not be easy and that there would be some crazy days but instead I have been on one of the most insane roller coster rides filled with loops of hormone issues, spins of martial chaos, drops of self image and yet at the same time ups with 100% amazement on how much I learn everyday from my Addison; a child who can not even speak. I can sit and stare all day at how she can learn the smallest thing and how thrilled I am by them.
I have always been kind of a "Debbie Downer of sorts" and can not believe that I could have a child with such a happy personality. Addison is so calm, happy and easy going for the most part. There is potentional that teething could might make this statement fasle in a few weeks. Her first tooth broke though on June 28th.
Another thing I am amazed with is how a mother and a father can see things so differently. I hang out with a group of friends all new moms and we all seem to have the same issues with our husbands. We are expected to be "wonder mom" all without bitching, tiring, and without help, yet if the man is holding the child and the child screams they feel they have the right as a man to whine, say how hard its been taking care of the child and hand the child off to mom. They also feel that they can party like they did before the child. Who set this double standard up. I would like to know so I can spank his butt hard with a wooden spoon. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I could just jump off a bridge and be ok with it. The sad part is Dave helps me a lot and I still feel like this.
After a hard martiunty leave and returning to work, I sank in to a thick lake of mudd called post patrum depression. It was so bad I would drive around town crying trying to avoid my home. I couldn't sleep and could never relax. What killed me the most is that I could not figure out why I could be so sad. I love my daughter more then anything in the world. As I was sinking in my lake of depression Dave got laid off. now my perfect fairy tale family consisted of a depressed and insomiac wife, a depressed argny husband and a baby with reflux. At the pushing of my grandma I went and talked to my OB. He then recommended that I see a shrink. So off I went. Dr. Mayville gave me this test and I was found to have sever depression. Yes this is the sencond time in two or so years that I have "had sever depression". He started to pry about my layoff the first time, the second time, my miscarriage, abondment of a good friend and a whole bunch of stuff I thought I had worked though. Apparently not. So now every other week I go and try to work out one of the many issues thats causes my depression. Dave also comes so that Dr. Mayville can help me express to Dave things about me and Dr. Mayville also trying to help Dave understand and also explain how it feels to be in Dave's shoes. At times I feel like I am making progess and other times I feel like I'm going backwards at warp speeds.
Enough about me lets move on to Addison. She looks like she is about to crawl. She is abled to sit up. She just decied one day that she was going to sit up and from that day on she has done it like she has been doing it since the day she was born. She is a very smart girl. She loves to swim. Bath time scares the heck out of me cause she will just dive forward and slip to her belly and start kicking but it is also one of my main ways of bonding with Addison after I have been at work all day. Addison also loves her dogs. If Roxy walks by her she smile and laughs and does whatever she can to get as much attention as possible as she can from the dogs. I feel like she has a bit of mine and Dave's bullheadedness. She wants to do things herself. If she can't she let's you know how she feels about it. She babbles all the time. She also has so many facial expressions that a person can not keep track.
I guess the things I have learned over the last 6 months is a perfect mom is one who might be tired but still kisses her her child goodnight. When you look and your daughter and want to stive to be smarter so you can teach her more. I have learned that you don't lose points for not knowing the excate time and date your child smiled, sat or tooth came though. A ballpark is usally enough. And most importantly if you can't cut yourself a little slack you will end up going nuts!
