Week 22 Staying In Shape Physically and Mentally

Well I started the week off with attending my first Prenatal Aqua Fitness Class. It was a lot of fun but hard work. Silly me was expecting that it would be easy, swim over here pause lets swim back to this side. I was not expecting the cardio workout with strength conditioning that I got. I was sweating in a pool. Tell me how that's possible! It was also easy for me to enjoy because two of my coworkers attended the class, so I was not as nervous working out because I knew someone else in the class. All I can say is it felt really good to be working out and to just be in the water and have the weight of my Love Bug off my bladder. I really believe that she uses my bladder as a trampoline.

After the swim class when I was in the dressing room changing several people came up to me and asked "is this your first baby?" This question has been a tough one for me to answer. And depending on how well I know the person my answer varies. To me personally NO, it's not my first. I have my angel Peanut. But to say no I have an angel or no I have miscarried is like being a Debbie Downer, usually making the person asking the question feel awkward or even worse they say something like "oh but see your fine your pregnant again" or my favorite is "well that one doesn't count!" Both of which rips my heart apart and makes me wonder why not. I haven't had my Love Bug yet but your counting it as my first? Just because I miscarried doesn't mean that my Peanut was not loved just as much or wanted just as much as my Love Bug. (Below is a picture of my Peanut)
So what did I tell these excited ladies. "Yup this is my first." I was tired and didn't want to have to explain or have them feel weird. But the whole way home I felt like I had betrayed my Peanut. I guess I could be a little more touchy then normal considering the time of year. Last year at this time I was pregnant, last year at this time I was changing my life to welcome in to this world our baby Peanut. Last year life was perfect, Dave and I had jobs we liked, money in the bank and our baby on the way. We were blissfully ignorant of how bad things were about to become. Looking back though I'm happy Dave and I made it though and that a counselor was able to teach me that it was OK and that my baby is and was real even if other people couldn't see it. I'm thankful that a year later I'm pregnant and further along then the first time, excited and enjoying this pregnancy trip more so now. I know that the one year mark of losing my Peanut is coming up and it won't be easy to feel and go though but that I will be OK and it is OK to have these feelings as long as I know and remember that I'm moving forward. I sometimes get jealous of my friends that didn't miscarry but then at the same time I'm so thankful that they don't have to go though what I am. All I can say is thank you Peanut for what I have learned and Thank you Love Bug, I can't wait to meet you, my little one!